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User Post: 10 Tips to Stop Emotional Eating

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by Karly Randolph Pitman, on Mon Mar 2, 2009 9:16pm PST
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I’ve had a rollercoaster ride with food since my teens. It's taken me many years to forge a healthy relationship with food and my body. Today, I eat a whole foods diet --- most of the time --- usually choosing foods that make me feel my best. No, I'm not perfect, but I feel good about my food choices. What's even better is the mental freedom: I no longer feel obsessed with food or thoughts of what I should or shouldn't eat.
Would you like to find peace from emotional eating? Here are 10 tips that helped me overcome overeating:1. Embrace your stuff.Overeating, food addiction and a negative body image are some of my life issues. If you’re reading this, you may have similar issues. Embrace them. It’s God’s way of waking you up to your true self: your spirit. Don’t be envious of other women who don’t have food issues. (They have their stuff, too; it’s just in a different form.) For whatever reason, overeating is your issue. Welcome it: what can it teach you? How can it help you become whole? Overeating may be your greatest teacher.2. Unravel your overeating hairball.Overeating is never about food. Food is the cure, your attempt to care for yourself, albeit in a harmful way. I have spent years unraveling my food hairball, and have learned so much about myself in the process. Food is the window to my soul, teaching me about all my dark sides, the places that scare and shame me. As I expose them, accept them, forgive them, and integrate them, I heal these broken parts of myself. And then, from this place of wholeness, I find the courage and love to make positive changes.Why do you overeat? Are you willing to dig deep?3. Ask for help.There is a world of help out there: so many fabulous authors and books. I believe we live in a benevolent universe, and that if you ask for help, all kinds of resources will come to your aid. Read. Join a support group. Reach out to others.While you’re at it, ask other women for help, too. Do you have a friend you can call when you’re feeling a need to binge? Do you have another friend who will be your exercise accountability partner? Do you know someone who will grocery shop with you? Is there a woman who's conquered her food issues and could serve as a mentor? Ask. We aren't meant to tough it out on our own.
Many of us carry internal voices that shame us for needing help; we feel foolish and embarrassed about our inability to make healthy food choices. Our minds tell us we should know better. We feel like we should know the answers, what to do, how to change --- after all, isn't weight loss just a matter of eating less, eating healthier foods, and exercising more? But this kind of thinking is unkind and unhelpful. What would it take to accept that you need help, to embrace your lack of knowledge, to embrace your beginner status with healthy eating? Once you accept where you are, you drop the shame about needing help.
We are human beings, designed for intimacy, support and connection. We are meant to help one another. Ask. Believe you are worthy of help, support, love and care. Drop the unrealistic expectation that you should have all the answers.4. You are not your thoughts.If your mind tells you you’re fat, you don’t have to believe it. If your mind tells you that you can’t live without a cookie, you don’t have to believe it, either. A thought is just a thought. It doesn’t mean it’s true. It's so easy to become attached to them, to define ourselves by them, to let our thoughts shame and control our behavior. Question your thoughts —- they are like clouds in the sky. Your true self, my dear, is the sun.
An easy way to question your thoughts is by talking back to them. When my thinking goes haywire (like trying to justify eating my favorite binge foods, like raisins or granola, because they're "healthier" than ice cream or sodas), I talk back to myself. I'll say, "Oh, really?" Or, "not helpful." When I feel an intense desire to overeat, I sit with it. I ask it, "What do you need from me? How can I soothe you?" Overeating, at its root, is always about fear. This fear speaks to us through our minds, with our thoughts, and through our bodies, with emotions and sensations. Questioning your thoughts can help you uncover the fear (and all its many guises --- anxiety, rage, depression, frustration, shame, judgment, loathing, and criticism) and then heal it. Questioning my self-talk quiets my fears and helps me separate from the mind talk that leads me to unconscious overeating.5. Examine your fear.Try this exercise: Put your hand on your heart, close your eyes, and breathe deeply for several breaths. Now ask yourself these questions: What would I do if I was not afraid? What am I afraid of? Where do I feel fear in my body? I’ve asked myself these questions consistently for a couple years, and have been amazed at the answers. Many are connected to my overeating. I realized I was afraid of being beautiful. I was afraid of embracing my life purpose (it’s scary to share your heart with the world; much easier to forget your passion and eat.) I was afraid of scarcity, of there not being enough to go around. I was afraid of being vulnerable, of appearing foolish and naive and dumb --- like an idiot because I couldn't control myself around food. I was afraid of change --- if I let go of the reins, if I release and trust, what guarantee is there that I'll be okay, that I'll get what I need? What are your fears? I guarantee that your fears and your overeating are good friends.
As the Reverend Ed Bacon said so eloquently: "You're either living in the house of fear, or in the house of love." When we care for ourselves from a place of love, it's as natural and easy as a mother caring for a baby. When we're hungry, we eat. When we're full, we stop. When we're tired, we rest. When we're thirsty, we drink. We move to enjoy the delight of our physical bodies --- not as penance for eating too much or punishment for weighing too much.
By contrast, if we're living in the house of fear, feeling afraid, angry, lonely, resentful, sad, frustrated or anxious, we may eat to feel better, calling it love, comfort, self-soothing and nurturing. The difference is in how we feel. Love always brings its own reward, the fruits of the spirit: peace, gentleness, compassion, self-discipline, kindness. Fear brings anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration, criticism, hatred, judgment, and control. Fear brings shame. Fear brings only temporary relief, because unless we feel, embrace and release the fears underneath our eating, they'll pop up over and over and over again (gifts designed to help us heal) until we finally face them.6. Accept your limitations.This was a toughie for me. When I was working on healing my overeating, I realized that I didn’t really want to stop overeating. What I really wanted was to be able to eat candy, pastries, ice cream, fried foods, and all sorts of junk and not gain weight. I wanted to be free from the consequences of my actions: to get away with eating crappy food, without suffering an adverse effects.
But we don't get away with anything. All choices have consequences. In my life, choosing to eat flours, processed food, sugar, and tortilla chips means accepting the depression, self-loathing, binging, shame, poor health, and weight gain that are a direct result of these food choices for my body.
However, accepting myself – I’m sugar sensitive, which means that once I eat a bite of cake I will eat the whole thing - meant accepting that I couldn’t eat sugar (or foods that act like sugar in my body.) It meant honoring my body with food choices that make me feel good: some meat, lots and lots of vegetables, nuts, seeds, fats, and fruit in moderation.I have spent several years going off and on sugar. I had to come to the point where I realized that abstaining from sugar isn’t depriving myself, but nurturing myself. What are your limitations? What works for your body? What are the consequences of your food choices? (We're all different: I only share what works for me because people ask, and sometimes it's helpful to have an example.) Support yourself by recognizing your triggers, and by being honest: are you trying to get away with something?7. Plan for your success.Here’s how I plan for my success: I eat at least three meals a day, including breakfast, everyday. I do my best to get a good night’s sleep (it’s hard to make healthy food choices when you’re exhausted.) I make time for exercise 5-6 days a week. I plan my meals and grocery store outings. I keep my home stocked with healthy foods so that I don't grab junk or sugar because I'm hungry. When I’m going out to dinner, I choose a restaurant that has something I like to eat. At times, I’ve asked my family to hide certain foods from me, or to not bring certain foods into the house. I don’t buy Halloween candy until Halloween and I do very little Christmas baking. I bring healthy dishes to potlucks so that I know I'll have something to eat. I carry food with me when I run lots of errands or will be gone for the day.Yes, living this way takes time and planning. Yes, it's a commitment. But I live this way because of the benefits that I receive: stable weight, freedom from binging, the groundedness that comes with structure and routine, lower stress, and the esteem that comes from caring for myself in a healthy way. Each time I care for myself, I affirm my value and worth. Self-care, after all, is just love in action.
Sometimes we're hesitant to care for ourselves because we think it will make us look "high maintenance," different from others, neurotic, or fixated on food or our health. Yes, in the beginning, changing our habits and our behaviors is an intensive process. We may appear out of balance as we direct much of our thoughts, time and energy to our healing. But this shifts over time, and it becomes more automatic, part of our normal routine: a habit, in every good sense of the word. As our new way of eating and caring for ourselves becomes integrated into our daily life, we lessen our intensity, lose some of our fear (Will I know what to eat at the party? Can I make kind food choices while traveling? Will I be able to make this change for good?) and trust ourselves. We appear less high maintenance and more grounded, the result of all our efforts. Our attention shifts. Even though we stay committed to a lifestyle of self-care, we don't have to think about it all the time, or focus on it as intensely. I liken it to learning to drive a stick shift: at first, it takes much of our concentration. But then it becomes easy and natural.8. Start where you are.You can start over, at any time. Did you just gorge yourself on chocolate ice cream? Okay, start over, right now. Put down the spoon. Just because you ate too much ice cream doesn’t mean that you have to add brownies, potato chips, and french fries to your plate. Every moment is a fresh opportunity. Did you overeat yesterday? Start over today: eat a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner, of light, clean, whole foods. If you fast in a misguided attempt to save calories, you’ll only end up starving at dinner. And guess what? You’ll be primed for another binge. This is a form of punishment, or an attempt to save yourself from the consequences of your actions. You can't change yesterday, or even a minute ago if you overate. Yes, you may have an upset stomach. Yes, you may experience some short term (or not so short term) weight gain. But that's okay. Forgive yourself and move forward, instead of trying to solve yesterday's problems with unkindness, such as trying not to eat in order to "make up" for the previous day's binge.
You may need to "snap yourself" out of a binge. It's almost like being in a trance, where you're mindless and eating without thinking. So leave the kitchen or even your house if you need to; take a bath or a shower, a cleansing ritual in itself; pray, meditate, listen to peaceful music; take a walk (moving helps remove the energy from your body), call a support person or friend; brew yourself a pot of tea (Celestial Seasoning's Tummy Mint is wonderful for a bloated digestive system filled with too much food) and give yourself a foot massage, cry, vent, do deep breathing. Then plan for how you'll care for yourself the next day, because you may be feeling regretful, sad, ashamed, bloated and gassy, frustrated, angry, or any number of mixed emotions. The day after a binge, I always schedule a workout to help cleanse my body of intense emotions. I cook simple foods with protein and vegetables as a kindness to my digestive system. I often meditate or pray and offer myself compassion with self-talk: I love you so much. Even though you binged last night, I love you. I will care for you today. Soothe yourself as a mother would a child.9. Practice exquisite self care.If you’re denying your needs for comfort, love, sustenance, joy, and beauty, you will fulfill those needs, somehow. But instead of a pampering bath or an hour with a novel, you’ll overeat, overspend, drink excessively, gamble, or smoke. Pamper yourself like a queen. Buy yourself flowers. Groom yourself impeccably. Paint your nails. Do whatever makes your heart sing, but do it regularly. Feed your spirit with self care, and your body’s hungers won’t be so demanding.
Many of us live energy draining lives. We neglect are "burning yesses" at the expense of the urgent --- the laundry, the cleaning, our children, all the ways we give to others but don't give to ourselves. No, we don't want to ignore our responsibilities: neglect can be just as energy draining. But we may need to come into greater balance. Ask yourself: what can I let go of? What can I delegate? How can I support myself so that my life has more purpose, power, joy and passion? That is feeding your spirit: making space to live out your deepest values instead of giving yourself the scraps of your time and energy, the leftovers after everyone else has had their fill. No wonder our appetites are insatiable: our spirits are starving for our love and attention.10. Eat.This last tip sounds almost comical. You might say, “That’s the least of my problems!” But, I realized much of my overeating stemmed from real physical hunger. I was trying to eat as little as possible throughout the day, because I was always trying to lose 10, 15, or 20 pounds. By dinnertime, I was famished and would eat three meals instead of one. I overate not from a lack of willpower, but because I was simply hungry. You can't fight biology. You are an animal: you have to eat. Our bodies need healthy fuel. Undereating feels terrible; it's been likened to breathing through a straw. At some point, your body will need to take a deep breath.
That being said, sometimes we don't know how to read true hunger. We can interpret thirst and fatigue for hunger, using food to boost our energy rather than rest and water. We can also cause intense hunger in our bodies by eating processed foods, lots of sugar, and other refined foods. While this kind of hunger feels physical, it's based on our bodies reaction to eating unhealthy foods that cause wild swings in our blood sugar. It's also easy to disguise emotional hunger for physical hunger.
Most overeaters want to lose weight. Months or years of poor habits have led to consequences, such as weight gain. It's natural and normal to want to fix this. But you may need to focus on one goal at a time. First focus on eating to your balance point --- where you are comfortably full ---- and ridding yourself of your food addictions. Then, when you’re eating three solid meals a day, on a regular basis, work on losing the weight. It’s very, very hard to stop overeating when you’re hungry. Put the weight loss goal aside, just temporarily, while you work on balancing your eating. The irony is that by feeding yourself regularly and by removing your addictive foods you will be less inclined to overeat. And guess what? You’ll probably lose weight: the natural, organic consequence of self-care.
Other articles that may interest you:My Sugar Addiction Story: How I Made Peace with FoodMy struggle with body image: how I learned to love my body10 Steps to a Healthy Body (and body image)6 Ways to Show Compassion to Yourself with Self-Talk4 Ways to Love Your Body Before You Lose WeightFor more information on overcoming overeating or sugar addiction, download my free ebook, Overcoming Sugar Addiction, or sign up for my free monthly newsletters on Firstourselves.com on self-care, staying sugar free, and loving your body. I'll also be leading weekend seminars on using self-care to overcome sugar addiction in 2009. Subscribe to my newsletters to stay posted.